Issy Gosse is a BSc Psychology student at Goldsmiths, University of London and has interned on the Goldsmiths Against Sexual Violence campaign.
Trigger Warning: this piece contains references to sexual violence and sexual coercion.
This summer, I have been interning on the Against Sexual Violence campaign at Goldsmiths University, University of London. Misinformation about what consent means has come up a lot. A lack of understanding about what constitutes consent can be a barrier that stops someone from saying that they have experienced sexual violence. Situations where “a person didn’t realise what happened to them was sexual violence” and “it was a misunderstanding” particularly resonated with me.
When talking about sex, we are usually told to gain consent before a one-night stand or hook up. Consent is framed as a one-off question before sex, where yes means yes, and no means no. Although consent is talked about, it is often not fully discussed in relationships. Consent in relationships is just as important as consent in any other sexual encounter, so how do we start talking about it?
What is consent?
Consent, by law, is when a person ‘agrees by choice and has the freedom and capacity to make that choice’. Planned Parenthood use the saying “consent is easy as FRIES”
F reely given – you’re not being pressured, threatened, drunk or high
R eversible – you can change your mind and stop at any point
I nformed – you know all the facts e.g. you consent to sex with a condom
E nthusiastic – you WANT to, not you feel you have to
S pecific – saying yes to one thing doesn’t mean yes to everything!
Consent is as easy as F.R.I.E.S!
Consent is not just a verbal “yes”, it involves looking at non-verbal cues and body language. It can be taken back at any time and should always be present before a sexual activity. Plus, listening to each other can lead to better sex!
Consent in relationships
In relationships, sex can become an unspoken agreement, with partners initiating sex with their body language more often than verbally or explicitly discussing it before sex takes place. Whilst consent can be obtained non-verbally, consent should never be assumed or implied. Just because you are in a relationship or you have done a particular act before, doesn’t mean you have consent. Considering each other’s boundaries ensures both people in the relationship feel safe with one another.
When doing research for my internship, I learned about the links between consent and sexual coercion. Sexual coercion is “unwanted sexual activity that happens when you are pressured, tricked, threatened, or forced in a nonphysical way”. Someone who is being sexually coerced may say “yes” even though they want to say no. Studies have found sexual coercion to be common in dating and relationships.
Some examples of sexual coercion are:
Making you feel guilty or bad, or asking you so much that you give in
“Come on, please. Please, I’m begging”
Making you feel like it is too late to say no
“But you’ve got me all worked up”
Threatening to reveal your sexual orientation
“If you don’t, I’ll tell everyone you’re gay”
In these examples, someone can feel that they can’t say no (Freely given), they can’t change their mind (Reversible), and they feel they have to when they don’t want to (Enthusiastic). Even though someone may say “yes”, this is not consent.
When in a relationship it can feel harder to say no, perhaps because you love the person, you worry that your partner will take it personally, that it might lead to an argument or even jeopardize the relationship. It might be difficult, but you should never pressure or feel pressured into doing something. Sex is an important part of many relationshops, and in our culture 'no' is often portrayed as a personal rejection. But the threat of an argument or ending of the relationship to receive sex is sexual coercion. There are ways to discuss mismatched sex drives that focus on working out what both parties want out of the sexual relationship without pressuring or being pressured into sex. Check out SH:24’s Instagram highlight for a Q&A on mismatched sex drives!
Talking about consent
Talking about consent won’t ruin the mood and doesn’t have to be a scary or awkward conversation. It can be a fun way to learn more about your partner and what they do and don’t like! Saying things like “can I go down on you?” can be great foreplay. Checking in with your partner by asking questions like “do you like that?” and “how does that feel?” and vocalising or demonstrating you give your consent by moaning or lightly touching a partners’ body can make sex a lot more fun, and make sure you’re both enjoying it!
If your partner doesn’t give their consent or changes their mind, it is important to listen and respect them and not to pressure them. Let them know it’s okay and ask if they would like to do something else instead.
Creating the culture of consent
Conversations about consent both in and out of relationships are so important because of how they link with sexual violence. Sex without consent is sexual violence and it is important that we recognise this. By educating others about consent and ensuring that we all navigate consent in a healthy and respectful way, we start to create a community and environment where sexual violence can be challenged, survivors can be supported, and healthier relationships can be made.
Education is one of the greatest tools in creating change and awareness around consent and sexual violence. Whilst interning with Goldsmiths, I learnt how important training is in educating people around consent and sexual violence. Goldsmiths currently runs programmes such as Active Bystander Training for students and in-person and online trainings for staff members which help define sexual violence and teach ways to responding safely to it. Goldsmiths is trying to tackle sexual violence by recognising that sexual violence does happen on campus and setting up reporting tools and support systems for those affected by sexual violence.
However, sexual violence is wider problem throughout all universities. More than 50% of students say they have experienced unwanted sexual behaviour, with women disproportionately affected in comparison to men. Students are coming to university and often entering new relationships with freedoms and opportunities they may not have had previously. Coupled with a lack of education on consent, sex, and relationships; individuals may not know when they are a victim of sexual violence, or even perpetrating sexual violence themselves (however, lack of education is no excuse for perpetrating sexual violence).
When we are able to name sexual violence, we can then recognise it and act to stop it. It is important for information on sex, consent and relationships to be given and reinforced throughout education, and throughout life as a whole. Through greater access to information, resources, and education, we can create a community that challenges sexual violence and supports survivors. Talking about consent with your partner and creating safe spaces and relationships to talk about your experiences helps create a community and environment that eliminates sexual violence once and for all. Working alongside Goldsmiths’ Against Sexual Violence Campaign this summer has inspired me (and I hope anyone reading this) to create healthy boundaries, practice consent, and stand up and speak out against sexual violence.
Author: Issy Gosse, BSc Psychology student at Goldsmiths, University of London